Part 3 - Everything comes with implications

Hiya,

This is very much an insight of what unhealthy eating can do to somebody and why you should never do it. Mainly, this post is about self-identification. I think in sixth form I learnt who I am and what represents me from being placed into certain situations. I'm going to explain that in this post, if you'd like to read it.

I went to sixth form not focused on weight loss because I realised that I was already thin. I thought things were going okay: I had made friends and my poor eating habits had gotten better. I was still losing weight even though I was not consciously focused on eating less.

Around February 2017, I began getting what I thought were allergies. My bones were weak, my hair was falling out and I was constantly tired. I knew something was wrong and I knew it may have been the repercussions of my previous unhealthy eating habits. So, I tried eating a little bit more, but things didn’t get better. My mum threatened to take me out of sixth form because she believed the stresses and worries of A Levels were causing my ill health. I don’t think it was the education. I could cope.

During the Easter holidays, my mum would get angry at me for not taking my health seriously. My family centred everything around food, and I hated it. It was scary because they wanted me to change even though I was eating better. Instead, I felt like she was trying to make me “fat”. This scared me because it meant that all my previous hard work would have been pointless. I was losing weight unintentionally. During this argument, I got annoyed and I refused to eat. There was more to this than just food, but I won’t go into it here. Like I said before, I took everything out on food. My mum called my grandad. He talked me back into eating. Looking back at this, it was extremely drastic on my behalf.

Even though I began eating again after this, I wasn’t able to eat well. I would physically feel pain in my stomach to the point where I was kneeling on the floor. A few days later, my mum took me to the hospital for my “mood”. All I remember was feeling annoyed, angry, and frustrated with my whole situation. During the check-up, they concluded that my heart rate was abnormally high and there was something unusual with my blood results. After my GP saw my blood results, she called home saying that I had an overactive thyroid. This basically meant that I had symptoms of depression, weight loss, high heart rate, etc. It could have been brought about by anxiety, a long period where I could not get rid of a cold and/or genetical. I checked every box. From then, I was checked every week by a specialist for my blood, weight and mood.

My mum was especially worried about my weight loss. She expressed this to the specialist. He stated that my metabolism was extremely fast. When sitting, I would lose the same weight as if I would walk. When walking, I would lose the same weight as if I would run. Then I was told that I shouldn’t exercise. My sixth form was only ten minutes away from my house and my mum didn’t even allow me to walk to or from school. After my mum’s remark, my specialist did ask me whether I was happy about losing weight. I thought I was getting caught for my desire to be thin. To this day, I think I gave myself thyroid. When researching, a lot of people had unhealthy eating patterns before getting diagnosed with an overactive thyroid. Though, I wasn’t going to mention that to him or anybody. Instead, I told him that I was okay with it. In all honesty, it didn’t make me upset that I was losing weight. My specialist wasn’t worried about the weight loss, although the referrals to dieticians began with my diagnosis. I still believed I was having allergies to something. It was happening frequently too.

My teeth began feeling loose and I went to see my dentist. He told me it was due to a lack of calcium. I thought I was allergic to cow’s milk along with other things. To me, this was the cause of being deficient in calcium and a range of other problems. When we had to figure out the other foods that I was having a bad reaction to as these allergic reactions were often severe that I ended up in hospital. Again, this made food the most important subject in my life. Recovering from a calcium deficiency, I had to take a range of substitutes. It didn’t help that I’m brown, making it harder to absorb calcium. Despite this, I tried not to pay much attention to food. My specialist, dentist and dietician all told me not to fast during Ramadan. It was sad for me because fasting is a requirement in Islam. I felt bad for not participating as I felt I brought that on myself, even though you’re not allowed to fast if you’re ill.

Recently, I had an allergy test. The results said I had no allergies. I think I got physical reactions due to my negative psychological relationship with food. This brought about anxiety that reflected as physical reactions. I eat everything now. However, I try to stick to certain alternatives, like soya milk, if I can help it.

Slowly, I recovered from thyroid, but I did have the genes for an underactive thyroid. That wasn’t good news for me. To hear that I’m genetically prone to putting weight on was scary. Yet, I tried to push this to the back of my mind.

My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer in the summer of 2018. It was a surreal experience. I always looked at cancer as one of those unbelievably painful illnesses that I wouldn’t wish on anybody. Yet, I was getting told that the person I was closest to in my family had cancer. It broke my heart, as well as the rest of my family. We all wanted to be there for her. As someone who helped me so closely throughout my life, through the good and the bad, I wanted to be there for her. All throughout summer and continuing into year 13, I went to the hospital to see her and be there for her. As it was local, I could go during my free periods and after school.

When seeing her undergo treatment and trying hard to beat cancer, I realised that what I was doing to myself was selfish and that I needed to stop. However, I felt that I could not do this with the types of friends I had. Being friends with them and losing friends gave me anxiety. Some made me feel like I shouldn’t be eating even though they knew I was underweight; some tried to belittle me by how they acted around me, and a lot of people were ingenuine. Collectively, I didn’t have good friends and so I distanced myself. It wasn’t a nice situation. They did stuff to make me feel little. It made me feel stronger that I didn’t want to be friends with such people. Their actions made me feel horrible about myself.

I have always tried to be nice and welcoming to everyone. I felt that treating others the way I would like to be treated is the best way to know whether I’m doing the right thing. The way I was treated, I would not dream of treating anybody in the same way. I never talked or acknowledged the situation with anybody, as it was not worth my time. I also felt like it would take a lot of energy away from me when I could be putting that energy into spending time with my grandmother. I was worried about the subject of our disagreements would spread throughout the sixth form and this could more intense arguments and rightfully so. also felt that addressing this further wouldn’t stay in that friendship group but spread throughout the sixth form. Rightfully so. However, I didn’t actually have the energy to participate in that. At that time, I had more important things happening in my life. I decided to stay quiet for these reasons. Maybe this gave them more ignition to be horrible to me. At least I knew I treated everyone well.

I felt bad for cutting people out without explaining. However, their behaviour was repetitive. I had previously voiced my opinion and I knew they weren’t going to change.

When they belittled me, it was on a larger social scale. I don’t want to be friends with people who pick friends based on their appearances. Additionally, I don’t want to be friends with people who are the definition of white privilege and ignorance. It’s disrespectful to me and to a lot of other people if they knew what was being said. What I mean by appearance is being classified as “pretty” and/or having money. I know this because I was one of their closest friends. I knew how they talked about others or why they were friendly with certain people. I knew they did the same derogatory thing to me.

Alhamdullilah, money is given by God. If we have money, God has blessed us with money. Wealth doesn’t determine what truly matters, as money doesn’t belong to anybody. What truly matters is what lies in people’s hearts. My grandparents didn’t grow up in the same circumstances they provided for me growing up. However, I have always been educated by my grandparents but also actively researching. I had the privilege of going to Mauritius every year when growing up. I saw family members and generally how others can live. Most people in London live in better conditions than those in Mauritius. Though, you don’t need to have the privilege of going on holidays to see what’s happening in the world. There’s poverty and war everywhere. Everybody has the duty to research and educate themselves, as we’re privileged with the capabilities to do so. There’s no excuse.

As a brown Muslim girl, I would never agree with them. Instantly, I would call them out, but they wouldn’t even realise what they said was wrong. They would even try to justify it. It’s even more disgraceful when they try and act like they care and do things for charity, but they’re only doing it to look good and not with the right intentions of helping people. I wonder if they’ve ever given to charity without telling someone about it? I can’t be friends with such people. I lost all my friends in that friendship group. At first, I was upset. Thinking some people in the friendship group didn’t have as much confidence as me to speak. That isn’t an excuse though. People who fall in the same category may also feel the same way, but we always have to speak up for ourselves. Sometimes, they would agree with me. However, they ultimately decided to side with being privileged at the end by only talking to me when the other friends weren’t there. By those actions, they are approving of such behaviour and I take it that they have the same values as them.

It hurts to know I spent so many years being friends with people that didn’t have my best interests at heart. Although, it would be disrespectful to myself to stay friends with these people. As your closest friend, how could I send you a text messages regarding my grandmother’s cancer diagnosis when I needed somebody, but you don’t have the time to reply for 4 months. When you texted me, I would reply as soon as I had time. On top of this, you ignore me at school, but you can talk to your other friends. That’s disrespectful and I don’t tolerate people who take advantage of me like that.

I didn’t even get an apology from anybody. I’m so glad I cut them all out despite the process not being easy. Along with my weight fluctuations and watching my grandmother undergo treatment, it wasn’t a pleasant time but, it was important for my self-development. I kept a close number of genuine friends whom I trust whole-heartedly like family. I re-focused on my family and tried to stop focusing on food.

When A Level grades came out, I was initially disappointed because I didn’t get into the university I wanted to go to. I worked hard for something and I was unable to achieve it. My family and some close teachers told me that everything happens for a reason and I truly believe the same thing now. I felt somewhat relieved to be stepping out of London. It seemed a lot calmer in Hertfordshire. Yet, I still felt dumb. Looking back at it now, it was the right decision. The only problem is transport and feeling somewhat isolated at times. I also felt relieved that my grandmother seemed to be getting better. Her cancer was barely there so she could stop treatment. It made me feel that I could take part at university without feeling guilty and/or in a rush to come home because I knew she was okay.

As many people know, cancer has a way of coming back to some people. That’s what happened to my grandmother. I had a few good relaxed months at university, despite feeling "dumb" for the majority of first year.

I will go into my academic struggles further in my next post. I wouldn’t say I hope that you’ve enjoyed this, as there’s not much enjoyable content here. I would say that it’s good in showing reality and maybe some people could relate.

Thanks for reading,

Shanaz Xx