Part 7 - The end of a chapter

Hiya!

In this post, I will talk about mourning my nani’s passing. Getting right into it…

Every Sunday, for 40 days, we would have friends and family over. The aim was to read duas and the Quran privately. We would also listen to readings by close family members and imams, followed by a small dedication in honour of my nani. For the first week, I wasn’t able to help my nani spiritually as I was on my period. But I did my part by helping out with household chores and organising these family gatherings. This was no small feat as there were often close to 100 people at these gatherings, but I carried on doing what I could to help. I felt relieved after the second week: I could finally pray and read the Quran. I was then able to focus on healing from my loss.

It was nice to have the company of family and friends during this time. However, we decided to put a stop to these gatherings after a while. It became difficult to keep the focus on my nani across the 40 days. Maintaining order with the numbers we were entertaining was also extremely difficult and it all just got a bit too much for me at times. I would often sit alone upstairs when things got particularly overwhelming, sometimes joined by my younger cousins.

The world doesn’t just stop when the ones we love are no longer here. We must carry on even though it feels as though our lives have come to a standstill. I had uni commitments, but I only attended if it was necessary to be present in class. It was after all a crucial time in the semester and I needed to focus more than ever – there is no time out at uni. Other members of my family were lucky, having a month off for bereavement.

I informed my uni about the severity of my nani’s condition in the days leading up to her passing, hoping to secure extensions for my group presentations. They reassured me that I would have extra time to deal with these assignments, yet this wasn’t the case. Communication between departments is notoriously bad and, therefore, there was nothing in place. I had to personally go into uni to sort out these issues regarding extensions and extra time, missing out on visiting the mosque and the cemetery with my family.

The university was not supportive in the slightest. They argued that there was very little stopping me from completing my presentation assignments as my nani’s funeral had already taken place. Suddenly, I was depressed and in need of therapy according to my uni. I wasn’t given the opportunity to properly mourn and grieve. In the end, I didn’t get the extensions for my presentations, but managed to get a week extension for my essays on the basis of my dyslexia.

Ironically and quite unfortunately, I was working on a question about suffering and whether this is incompatible with a religious understanding of the world, for my module in philosophy, at the time my nani passed. It was all too raw and fresh for me, and I was definitely not in the right place to even begin to articulate an answer whilst we were suffering from a fresh wound concerning a natural evil. I just didn’t want to think about uni. Furthermore, the first source that I found in aid of my essay concerned a palliative cancer patient. I cried for 4 hours whilst working on that essay. It wasn’t right to be confronted with the issue so soon.

I realised quite early that secular therapy didn’t help me. It may help you, but it wasn’t something for me. I found that praying and staying connected to God helped me through that difficult time. Naturally, my uni tried to ignore the support I needed and I didn’t feel comfortable telling my family about my struggles. I didn’t want to give them another cause to worry, so I just endured it by myself. God helped me and it worked, but it was a hard time.

December is a time for celebration with family and friends. We weren’t celebrating. I didn’t feel like talking to my friends or going out. Disturbing thoughts began to trouble me. My nana and my mum were very concerned about me and both tried to speak to me about how I was feeling. I couldn’t really speak to my nana about my emotions because they were related to our family issues and the regret I felt about lost time. It was easier to speak to my mum and she made me realise I was carrying a lot of guilt on my shoulders for something that I couldn’t change.

My mum persuaded me to meet up with my friends after my many refusals. I didn’t want to meet them because I felt like I had changed since I last saw my friends. I was more subdued, speaking of different things and acting in a different way. I also spent so much time around people who were older than me and it felt weird being with people my age. However, they were all patient and understanding and I truly appreciated all their support.

Even though I was getting better, I felt like I hadn’t mourned properly because of my uni commitments. My entire family went to Mauritius to conduct prayers there and I wasn’t able to go to share the grieving process. Then came coronavirus, taking the world by storm. Once my uni assignments had finished, I was finally given time to properly mourn. It was also time for Ramadan.

As I mentioned in my previous blog posts, Ramadan wasn’t something I was allowed to participate in. It became the best time to grieve for my loss by focussing spiritually on God. I had been waiting a long time for Ramadan to come this year and, without the distraction of my many commitments, I was able to properly connect with God. It wouldn’t be just another excuse to starve myself. For the first time, I felt truly happy during Ramadan – I didn’t have a single worry in the world.

I still have my low days, particularly when I think about the injustices that my nani had to suffer from her own family. My biological dad was responsible for the worst injustice both my grandparents had to endure.

Islamically, if the father is not present in the family system, the grandparents assume the responsibility of the children. This is one of the reasons that my grandparents are important in my life. I had always been very close to them because they replaced my dad. My dad was never a big part of my life, so I don’t care to think of him very often or at all. I know he was a bad person because of what he did to my family.

He continued to mess with my grandparents. Last summer when my brother went on holiday with my grandparents, my dad managed to speak to my brother alone whilst he was walking to home from the mosque. He said to not believe anything my grandparents and mum had told us and that his door is always open to us. Funny how he wishes to be a part of our lives now that we are all adults and have been cared for by the very people who he insults. This matter was one of the situations that had upset my nani. All of these things still really annoy me, but I think, with time, it will disappear as God is the most just and He will serve justice.

I have said before that everything happens for a reason. I mentioned my nani’s overdosing in my last post. My nana attempted to get justice for my nani, but ultimately his case was dismissed. We decided to drop the matter because there was a possibility of exhumation. We didn’t want to disturb her soul’s peace and it wouldn’t have been in her best interest. In hindsight, it might have been better for my nani that she passed so quickly because we never anticipated coronavirus. The gatherings, burial and the washing of the body wouldn’t have been able to take place over lockdown. I sympathise deeply with those families that have experienced deaths over lockdown, unable to properly say their goodbyes.

I would like to highlight how great and underappreciated the NHS is. I already valued them from how they looked after my nani. My nana and nani met whilst working for the NHS. I became increasingly proud when I was at the hospitals knowing she spent her life helping other people. In my eyes, this is the most serving job in the world. I’m unable to work in medicine, but I hope to take a job that helps people in a positive way. Nevertheless, I think people have acknowledged how great the doctors and nurses are due to the coronavirus.

For me, my nani’s death was pivotal in finding myself spiritually, which enabled me sort out all the issues that I had yet to resolve. The cherry on top for resolving these former problems I felt was coming clean so that I could change. I felt like I was withholding myself and that becomes damaging when I’m introducing new people into my life. In my last semester, I made some new friends at uni that taught me this and that was a big influence in making the first step of publishing personal content on my blog. For the first time, I was letting people know my business when I'd normally shy away from that. It was okay and still is - all my friends are collectively supportive. I honestly feel like this blog has been a self-healer and I would recommend it to everybody even though it may be scary at first!

With this, I think I’ve reached a positive ending to these posts about me. Until I have more that I feel to comment on, my next posts will discuss other current issues that I wish to address. Thank you so much for reading and coming on this emotional journey with me - I know it was a long one. Meanwhile, I'll leave you with this quote:

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall," Confucius.

Love,

Shanaz Xx