Part 1 - Negativity

Hiya,

I started journal writing as a way to de-stress and put out my thoughts about my grandma. I ended up writing a lot about different things. Due to touching on lots of things, I didn’t want to take anything else out because it shows significance to what happened at the end and on its own. Therefore, this will come out in parts.

I feel like I struggled with a lot of negativity during my time at primary school. It was a long time ago. Normally, it’s not something I think about. However, it’s relevant to my childhood and so I think it’s worth adding in.

My grandparents were always significant to me since I was a child, and they still are. I grew up with my mum and my older and, five years later, my younger brother was born. We live close to my grandparents with only one road apart from each other.

During this time, it was extremely lonely as a kid. I was bullied at school every day for academic reasons and whatever other reasons people have for bullying someone.

My mum never went to college as she married very early with somebody who was not great. We went to the contact centre for a small amount of time, but he didn’t show up so that stopped. Being a single mother, she went back to college which meant that myself and my older brother spent a lot of time with my grandparents. After some time, my mum re-married and that did not work out as well. For the majority of primary school, there was domestic violence in our house from my step-dad. Mainly this was towards my mum and only a small amount to myself and my brothers. Anyway, they got a divorce. We were regularly in contact with social services due to these issues. This was until the age of 16. This may have been the reason why myself and my older brother spent so much time at our grandparents house.

I would sleep at my mum’s house during the weekdays, but she would take us to school really early because she had to go to college. I didn’t like school because I didn’t exactly have friends. I hated it. I would fake and make myself sick to get out of school. Until now, I don’t think anybody knew that I did this. I had friends towards the end, but my friends were not in my class. Though, I’m grateful for a little bit of normal.

My grandparents would pick us from school. My grandmother knew I didn’t like school – she would always make me my favourite snacks to make me feel better whilst I was waiting for my older brother in the car to come from school. We would go to their house until 6 or 7 in the evening and then we would just go home, sleep, and repeat. On the weekends, myself and my brother would go to my grandparents’ house and sleep there until Sunday, when we had to come back home to go to school.

I always considered my grandparents’ house a fun and safe environment. I could be myself there. My mum, of course, tried very hard but her circumstances were difficult. She tried her best, but she was not always in the position where she could do what my grandparents could do for us.

Every day, I would come home complaining to my grandmother about what happened at school. She clearly knew I did not like it there. When I would come home, I told my mum the same thing. She did try to stop everything with letters, phone calls and meetings with my teachers and head teacher. You can’t stop the way people think and you can’t stop gossip. This happened until the end of primary school by the same group of people.

When I recall how my grandmother was always there for me, especially when I needed it the most, I remember stuff like this. I remember the little girl who needed someone and who used to think hypothetically to the future. I’m at that point now, and she’s gone. She did what nobody else did or could ever do for me.

As a child, bullying is a hard time. The person that was there for me is at the back of my mind more than ever. The next post will be during my time at Secondary. It’s mostly about how I dealt with bullying and further highlighting who was there for me.

I felt like this was just the beginning and so it was very descriptive. The next post will be more meaningful. Until then, thank you if you took the time to read my thoughts!

Shanaz Xx