Dealing with toxicity

"Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles, and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters," Mark Green.

Most people have suffered from having a toxic person at one point in their life. This is very common in romantic relations but also relevant to family and friends.

The term “toxic” isn’t a standard psychological term. However, many people often use it to define someone who is exhibiting complex and challenging behaviours. Due to this, the recipient of this toxic behaviour may feel mentally and even physically drained. I’m no psychologist, so this is how Abigail Brenner describes toxicity:

“Toxic relationships are not fuelled by mutual care and support but are often skewed to accommodate an individual’s needs and demands. Needless to say, these are not healthy relationships and often... toxic behaviours chip away at the equality of the participants and corrupt whatever could be good in a relationship.”

The easy answer, which is always advised to the recipient of such toxicity, is to cut the person out. This isn’t always easy, though. Often, the person is drawn to the toxic person because they do not recognise that the relationship is “toxic” and unhealthy or because the person is attached to the person. After all, it’s what the person knows, therefore acting as a safety net. So, the unhealthy relationship persists, causing a cycle of toxic behaviour.

1. Recognising the toxicity red flags

Toxic people tend to use relationships solely for their individual needs and desires. They tend to:

· Create or surround themselves with drama

· Manipulate or control others

· Neediness

· Excessively critical of themselves and/or others

· Jealous and envious of others

· Complaining about their bad fortune or others’ good fortune

· Substance abuse

· Self-harm

· Unacceptance to toxic behaviour(s)

2. Psychologically removing the safety net

Now comes the acceptance that this is happening to you. Once you realise that the relationship benefits nobody, and you deserve better, you can move on. You must realise that you have to move on too. You cannot solve, help or change the person; they have to do this themselves. To do otherwise would only harm and waste your time.

3. Erasing the person from your life

The digital presence of a toxic person is something you should remove. Simply block the person here, and there will be no further interactions.

Physical presence can be more complex. Sometimes, it isn’t always easy to remove yourself from situations if you cannot help but be around them. This is most common in familial and work environments.

If you’re experiencing toxicity within the family, of course, it can be tricky because you can’t abandon them. As for work, it can be difficult because you may need that job for financial security. Therefore, these environments are trapping and may leave you hopeless in removing yourself from the detrimental emotional situation.

However, I’m here to say that you can remove yourself.

Yes, it’s more time-consuming and emotionally draining than the situations above. However, small and subtle changes will slowly remove the toxicity from your life. I can’t advise more minor and subtle changes because this is genuinely subjective on the individual situation, but if you ever want to chat, just email or dm me :)

Anyway, this was kind of long, so I’m going to stop now. Thank you for taking the time to read. I hope you enjoyed it!

Love,

Shanaz Xx